Sunday, November 10, 2013

Parenthood, a life changer and the crazy shit it makes you say.

I always knew that becoming a mother would be a life changer, I mean it starts with peeing on a stick, as if that's not weird enough, and then you get the dreaded sickness - if you are lucky it's just in the mornings, but general consensus is that it's pretty much all day for the first trimester, and lucky me, that was what I experienced.
Then came the back ache, and being completely incapable of sleeping in my bed for the last 6 months of my pregnancy I slept every night on the recliner, it was quite literally the only way I could be comfortable. That being said, the first time I felt my boy kick, my heart literally skipped a beat, and after that, I would lay on that recliner at night talking to him, rubbing my ridiculously large belly, and occasionally singing to him. Since he was a December baby, my song of choice was "All I want for Christmas" by Mariah Carey, and I swear he still recognizes it when I sing it to him.

Anyway, skip past the birth because I had a wonderfully non painful scheduled c-section (aside from the catheter, why they couldn't wait until I was numb do that is beyond me, that was awful).

Our boy was horribly colicky, so the first 3 months were a trial at best, but after that, he started sleeping through the night, feeding properly, and eventually was taking small amounts of pureed foods. I only wish I had known then what I know now about GMO's or I would have made every since batch of puree from fresh organic vegetables...but that's a whole other story.

So, now our boy is almost two and since he's been able to walk I have found myself having to speak some of the most bizarre sentences. Today's special: I had to use the rest room, and of course, curious little boy that he is he follows me, with his talking toy monkey in hand. He tells me "pee pee' and I say "Yes baby, mummy goes pee pee on the potty". The hubby is in the other room laughing at my inability to use the restroom in peace and then he shouts something to me and I had to respond with "Sorry, I can't hear you, i'm in the bathroom and this monkey is really loud". I heard myself say it, and just laughed, I mean really, when will I ever have to make a statement like that again? 
I know there have been many others, and I wish I had written them down, but I have no doubt there will be many more.

I let the hubby get his laughs from these things though, he is after all the one who had his hand quite literally pooed in when our boy was just a couple of days old.
I was on the couch, unable to move move because of my c-section and he was changing our boy on the changing table, he pulled away the dirty diaper, and as he was sliding the new one under, our boy pooed, and not just a little bit either. Hubby was standing there holding our boys legs up with one hand and a handful of stinky baby poop in the other. He was shouting at me to stop laughing and come and help him, but of course laughing was not optional, and the more I laughed the more my incision hurt, so I couldn't move. He still likes to remind me of that from time to time. The day I left him standing helpless with a handful of baby poop. I just tell him it will be a wonderful story to tell the first girlfriend our boy brings home!!

Friday, November 8, 2013

A little intro

It has been such a long time since I blogged. I mean really, I am never short of opinions or things to say, so why have I been absent for so very long?
Ok, quick intro (some of you already know me, so there'll be nothing new here for you)

I'm English, 38 years old (damn that's old!) and I live in Florida with my American husband and one child, my wonderful 2 year old son. We also have a cat named Rocky who was rescued after having his tail amputated due to mistreatment. I work full time from home, I am a vocal advocate for clean eating, non GMO foods, pro choice, pro 2nd amendment (pro constitutional rights, period), pro choice, anti circumcision, and an agnostic theist.

Like I said, i'm never short on opinions, and I always love a good debate - it's a healthy way to learn.

So, all that being said let's keep the first post nice and light and 'fluffy' (so to speak).

Living here in America is a source of constant amusement for me. Of course the cost of Ribena and a packet of fruit pastilles costs an arm and a leg, but sometimes nothing else will do.
One of the first things I found when I moved here was that my lovely Nottinghamshire dialect and slang just wasn't going to cut the mustard over here. People looked at me like i'd grown horns I thanked them by saying "Cheers me dears". Eh, i'm a quick learner (except with Math, i'll go to my grave confounded by Algebra).
In the spirit of good humor, (and apologies to all my British people who see the lack of the U in certain words - like humoUr, good old American spellcheck keeps correcting me and i'm too lazy to go back and change it all) here are some rather amusing examples of words that just don't mean the same in the USA as they go in good old Blighty.

Lets start with an easy one - Pants. Ok most of us already knew that Americans call trousers, pants, which left me wondering (at first) well then what to they call underpants/knickers? (incidentally, the word knickers always gets a giggle or two from Americans around here) Over time I have heard men call them panties, which just creeps me out. For some reason when a man uses the word panties I suddenly get the image of a creepy old pervert going through a woman's knicker drawer! Why can't we just call them trousers, and use pants for undies? Simple, no?

Next up are a few things I came across because of my job - I work in insurance, and get to listen to a lot of terminology for things. Starting with cars - what we Brits call a bonnet, is known here as the hood. What we would call the wing, is known here as the fender, what we call the boot, is known here as the trunk. So you can imagine some of the confusion I had when trying to ascertain which parts of someones car were damaged.....

Baby stuff - thanks heavens for Friends TV show or I may never have understood that a Diaper genie wasn't a magical being who somehow magically removed stinky offensive poop filled nappies. Yes, I said nappies, because that's what we call them - and just so you know, stupid auto correct changed that word three times to nap pies! WTH is a nap pie? I mean, I like naps, and a like pies, not sure how I could get a nap pie....but I digress. 

Household tools, the one thing you wouldn't think would be difficult, but have you ever tried asking an American for a spanner? Or a torch? You won't get very far. Luckily my husband spent some time in England so he 'gets' me when I forget to use the American terms 'wrench' and 'flashlight'.

There are tons of them, but I think i'll finish up with the one that amuses me the most, the British holiday maker special - the Bum bag. Known to Americans as a "Fanny Pack'. Oh yes, hilarity from that one since fanny is a word Brits use for a lady's genitals! 
Imagine, you're in a Wal Mart and you're wearing your snazzy Mickey Mouse bum bag, just walking along and someone stops you and says "Nice fanny pack"....ummm, right-o, i'll just be leaving now you pervert.....Or some poor misguided American tourist stops at a local Asda and asks where they keep the fanny packs. Actually, I would like to see that happen.....